Girl next door?

IM OK

2008-01-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

Finally 2008 is HERE! I rang in the new year with great friends and my sis, so I had a great time though I did not plan to be in bed by 3am maybe that was a good thing. I spent the entire next day reflecting back on "07", all the mistakes I made, situations I shouldeve walked away from but didn't. I turned my phone off and was completely alone in my apartment, I sat legs crossed with my gingerbread latte in hand, pure silence and All I could do was smile...a week before xmas I had somewhat of an emotional breakdown, I cried for what seemed like hours and now...I'm....OK! Im no longer afraid to say NO and never again will I allow the bare minimum from anyone anymore. This year I plan on staying within my social cocoon, I feel safer that way, My heart is now shielded with such armor that Its gonna take an army to break down those walls. Im not saying thats a good thing but it seems to work for me. I can no longer crash and burn on the account of others. Its almost like an awakening , I no longer care what others think or say about my actions. And I could careless about what goes on in the lives of anyone outside my family. I have finally been pushed to the point of no return. There is only one of me and I know I'm a good person, Whoever doesn't see that, well that really sucks for them. Its MY TIME.....ITS FINALLY MY TIME!

The opposite sex:
Its funny how much hurt someone can unknowingly inflict on a person, the amount of pain they can cause, while they seemingly remain untouched with no scars. Totally oblivious to their actions. I wonder if its my naivety that allows me to believe that they are infact as nonchalant and unaffected as they seem. I have however grown more than I thought I would. I feel a sense of freedom, I no longer wait for phone calls from that person,I don't wonder what he's doing...frankly I don't care. I had one of the most intellectual stimulating conversations with one of my guy friends. That let me know there is soo much more out there, It was like a breath of fresh air to talk about something other than "sports".."BET"..or "the club".

Im taking comfort in knowing that I will never be the same person twice. Mistakes will be made , but I've allowed myself to "feel" all those feelings and weather the storm...knowing this too shall pass. I walk away from everyone and everything in "07" with no regrets knowing exactly who I am.

HAPPY NEW YEAR:

Myself (with the legs out..lookin whore-a-licious), my sis and friends!

new year

2007-12-25T18:21:00.000-08:00

Is it weird that Im extremely excited for the new year? I mean the only thing that really changes are the numbers..but in my mind I like to think everything changes..new year...new me!! I always make a million resolutions and try my best to stick to them, most of the time I do for the next month..and thats it lol. So my resolution this year, like last year...is to just be happy no matter what. Let go of everything negative, all my doubts and fears...let go and just DO IT!...I have to say though "07" has been good to me, I cant say that I accomplished everything I wanted to, but I tried my best to remain in good spirits and I've met and bonded with sooo many great amazing people...Im gonna make this short and sweet but i'll be back in "08"
HAPPY HOLIDAYS (even though Im not big on xmas)

My lifes just....FINE

2007-12-08T15:18:00.001-08:00

Last night was a strange night for me. I could not sleep at all..I tossed and turned for hours and hours. Then I decided to put on my ipod and hopefully fall asleep. But listening to certain songs just gave me somewhat of an awakening. For instance "Fly like a bird" and " Through the rain" By Mariah. I dunno I guess I just realized certain things and ppl in my life are just not worth the effort. Im naturally a nice person and that tends to be my downfall a lot of times. People take my kindness for weakness..only calling on me when they need/want something or when it suits them. And u know what thats perfectly fine..But I learned not to give sooo much. I had to make such a tough decision lately and im still going back n forth with myself wondering if it was the right thing to do. Regardless though a decision had to be made...rather it was for the best or for the worse...if I didnt do something about the situation I wouldeve just remained stagnant and that helps nobody. From now on...people who wanna remain in my life have to prove themselves worthy. Why should I allow you my time and company? What have you done for me lately?.......I realized things arent soo tough and life really isnt as bad as I sometimes make it seem. No matter what goes on I know I will make it, Im determined...I may get stuck in a rut but I damn sure will pull through and thats the reality of it. The new year is approaching sooo fast and I cannot wait...so here's to the future!

leftover lovin

2007-12-06T09:24:00.001-08:00

As I here at 3:08am..I am totally and completely taken. This man *sigh*..this man. It started out as a nice date between what has finally become two great friends. We laughed we were serious. Goals ambitions..you name it..we discussed it over nachos and mojitos (with a tad too many mint leaves). It was funny we ended up at the same restaurant where we shared our very first date, and there we were almost 2 years later. More sure of ourselves, more aware. We pulled up at my place with no intentions whatsoever. We talked more about his business..men..women,relationships..my book..ect. We shared a heated kiss and I invited him in. Foolish me, wasnt I the same one who just told myself I would not lose focus like this, I will not be getting intimate with anyonre for a while.I wish I could go into detail, but thats a piece of him I want selfishly. Now here I am 2hrs later. Left with thoughts of what will never be. Wondering if he's sleep yet. Warm passionate kisses.Im left with leftover sweat and covered in his cologne from head to toe. Tonight was something different..somewhat of an experience. Why do I feel soo beautiful with him? my sexiest?..my insecurities, prove to be nonexistent with him and Im still wondering why my motivation sky rockets. Is he my inspiration? Watching his naked body re dress himself..soo tall..soo brown..soo incredibly sexy in every way a man can be sexy SHIT! he just fucked up my whole week ..Like rihanna and neyo sing "beyond a reason why". And now I lay here wanting to phone all my girls...frustrated that they're all sleeping. Im left with this feeling...this leftover love thing? nah impossible..not me...it couldnt be...Still gotta stay true cus deep down im still a "G" lol...wheewww that man!

::Contemplation:::

2007-11-27T05:38:00.000-08:00

I wonder what it would be like to chop off allll my hair and live in the woods?? hmm just a thought. What do you do when your j.o.b literally makes you sick to your stomach and the thought of going to the office bring tears to your eyes **literally**. Never in my young life have I had a job like that until now and I've had a million jobs in my day. Do you stick it out miserably or do you take a chance and leave? I feel stuck and in a sick twisted way I wanna get fired..atleast then I have no more self-doubt Im forced to take my wings back and flyy. I feel restricted and all the red tape corporate bull sh*t makes me wanna gag a million times over. When you know that your a damn good worker but your only acknowledged for the few mistakes you make its heart wrenching. Im gonna contintue to seek guidance because Im at a loss and have absolutely no clue what to do next. I wiiish I had a rich family and didnt have to work...EVER! lol that would be the LIFE right there...

To leave or NOT to leave...I'll keep you posted

give thanks....NOT!

2007-11-21T05:54:00.000-08:00

Ok..Can rihanna do any wrong?? I mean seriously..she is undeniably beautiful! She comes off as a bitch but still gorgeous and in the next life....Please let me come back as her lol. Anywho.....

Im not understanding why everyone is sooo HYPE over thanksgiving? I mean sheesh who would've known all it takes to get ppl in a good mood is dry ass turkey with some gravy. It really makes me no never mind, If I had it my way I would sleeeeep the entire thanksgiving away..Holidays dont thrill me much and its gonna take a lot more than stuffing to win me over.Im still dealing with the everyday negativity. I will never understand why people feel the need to input their unsolicited negative comments, but I am learning to make everyday count no matter how hard the rain pours. I'm learning that people will always talk, its human nature , it doesn't make what they're saying right...or true. Though sometimes I wish there was a bright pink bubble with gold insulation that I could hide out in every once in a while. A lot of people dont understand that negativity only fuels my fire. To those who give a shit about thanksgiving and giving thanks..u know allll that hoopla....have a great holiday lmao...now black friday is what we should really be celebrating biiitches!!!

no words

2007-11-14T04:58:00.003-08:00

http://videos.onsmash.com/v/KauasAC5Ycfekknj

no words

2007-11-14T04:58:00.001-08:00

http://videos.onsmash.com/v/KauasAC5Ycfekknj

its just a little crush..

2007-11-03T16:11:00.001-07:00

Yes he got me..there I said it somebody call the paramedics..tell em to hurry up and come through!!

Why me?? I don't wanna be in deep "like", actually I haate it, because it leads to useless thoughts that take up my whole day, and I tend to not wanna do anything but think about "him". I'm not one of those women who are dying to be in a relationship, Im soo far from that and would prefer NOT to be in one anytime soon. I feel like I'm in grade school all over again and I can't lie this heavy crushing feels kinda nice, but at the same time...I'm pushing it away. I never want to be in any type of committed relationship again. I feel like its a waste of time. I've been denying this little "thing" for soo long, hoping it would go away and sadly it seems to be getting stronger. I have thick skin and Im not at all worried about getting hurt it takes waay too much to hurt me, Im just *sigh* being a girl right now..and its sickening...*barf* Gosh I hope he reverts back to his old ways soon and does something to make me despise him, because if he doesnt..well then.....

Life--

2007-10-27T15:36:00.000-07:00

A new phrase Im living by: Whatever you do in life, dont let it be for nothing

This means soo many things to me. Mainly this: Everything you do should have a purpose, I dont care what it is. If your stuck on some guy and your over-calling him, breaking your neck to see him, cooking him breakfast..ask yourself why am I doing this? Am I getting anything out of it.?? If you feel he's worth it and your getting something out of it Anything! Then by all means ..keep doing it. If your sleeping with every tom, dick and harry...are they giving you money?? the attention you want? ...Every minute of the day we need to be fulfilling our purpose. When Im sitting there amongst a group of friends and Im dead silent, they think something is wrong, when in reality Im observing. I find inspiration any and everywhere...little do they know they just inspired a poem or short story. Lately I've really been on a mission to get things done...up and running. Im soo tired of talking...talk is cheap. Time is money and I cant afford anymore distractions. The momentum cannot stop!!

--Love changes and best friends become strangers!!
To my best friend::

When you moved things seemed to change. Though we both adjusted the best way we knew how, still it wasn't the same. We started to make countless efforts and realized this 15 yr friendship is worth the effort. You have new friends that I know nothing about, a new life. When we talk Im interested in everything you say/do, though I feel like a stranger, its like getting to know each other all over. All of our adventures consisted of "US". I miss that, but I know we both have to do what we have to do...though we both formed new habits and spend more time apart than together. I still know who has my best interest at heart, I know who will be at my wedding crying more than I am, I know that If I choose the wrong man you'll give me the best advice possible , wanting me to just be happy and taking me to the cheesecake factory listening to me cry when he breaks my heart. New people in my life can never change my heart. Till this day when Im sad and I cry I think to myself "what would she do/say" you have this ability to brighten up my day only saying a few small words. And maybe I dont appreciate you as much as I should sometimes. You may not know this but, you've guided me all my life , there were times when I didn't think I could make it, I didn't wanna make it, but watching you gave me strength. You motivated me..Im only soo strong because I learned how to follow your lead for soo many years. I miss our childhood and latenight phone conversations, I miss your shyness around boys , I miss us getting in trouble together, lying together and getting caught together. I miss our hugs and cries. As we grow and mature, and each day brings us more wisdom..Words cannot express how proud of you I am, from a little spoiled child, annoying me with a million questions you've grown into a responsible , independent..dare I say "adult" without losing the qualities that I love soo much..please know nothing or nobody could ever break the bond we share. You are an undeniable part of my being and I love you for everything your not and everything YOU are.......MY SISTER forever!

When the boys are away...the girls will PLAY!!

2007-10-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

While talking with one of my girlfriends, we came to the realization that most black men are highly insecure and threatened by independent women. When I was younger I would always hear adults saying that ..thinking "oh they just hate men" or they're "bitter". When you have a circle of friends who are all beautiful, paying their own bills, no children, living alone, good jobs...all under the age of 25 and every last one of them are single..then somethings definitely wrong. Men neeed women to neeed them, and in this day and age..sorrry we really don't need you for much. Shit i've even become accustomed to assembling furniture my damn self. I know thats a blow to the male ego but its the truth. We still "want" you though, but theres no way Im gonna come off my square and act neeedy because it makes you feel better. So we came to the conclusion that until they can act right...Playtime will be in full effect.

I went to a b-day party last night of the guy I talked to for about a year. Due to many many reasons...we parted but still share a smile when we see each other. For some reason when he's out he has to be mr. "im too cool to speak", I'll never understand this because dude is at least 30. So me being on that rose moet and long islands...I start flirting...not only flirting but with his bestfriend. At the time I could careless, I didn't mean to get in tooo deep. "I was jus playin with that boy"..By the end of the night when I sobered up and thoughts were clear.If any of this were to come out it could turn the world upside down sorta speak. My mission was to make "him" jealous not...hurt feelings. Though he's hurt mine many many times....
I guess when your not dating, and you finally leave all the "bad news" behind..the girls will definitely play.

Early AM thoughts....

2007-09-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at 2:59am...on a clothes bin...(which isn't too sturdy)..starring out all 9 undressed windows in my sun room..I'm lost. I look to my left and see shiny hardwood floors, no furniture in sight..shit you wouldn't know anybody lived here if it weren't for folded up air mattresses (yea I broke them all) and suitcases with my millions of clothes. As I sit here..typing this with no computer chair...I am humbled!!...I dont have much..but what I do have It's MINE!...everything surrounding me right now is MINE...everything bought with my hard earned pennies. Sometimes I forget to pat myself on the back...through blood sweat and tears Im still here, Im still breathing, still determined and more focused than I have ever been in my entire life. Everyone has their own personal struggle, but when you can have soo little and it means sooo much to you, thats when you know your a survivor.

I can't sleep, and haven't been able too for the past 4 years of my life. Soo many people ask me about my dreams and goals, I hesitate not too sound too silly or child-like , usually I mumble in a shy voice "I wanna sing"..."I wanna write"...usually people give me that "oh thats really nice" line, just to be nice I presume. What they don't know is...I neeeed to sing..I neeed to write. I wiiish I could wake up one morning and this desire is gone, And Im all of a sudden awoke from this silly dream...ready and willing to go to school get my degree and an "ok" job in the corporate world..but it hasn't happened yet. Its hard not losing sight of your "dream"..especially when everyone around you has taken the straight and narrow path..*siggh*...I do feel accomplished though...Went to the vocal coach today and it felt soo good. I realized that everyday I have to wake up and do something that brings me closer to my dreams...rather its reading up on publishing at the bookstore...practicing...writing...annnything. It keeps me motivated..for everyday that's wasted...is like Im dead.

Im happy that Im through with that "LOVE" phase of my life or even that "LIKE" stage. Im content with just me...Im able to concentrate with no distractions. I been talkin to myself a lot lately (not like that lol)..and I've also been listening to myself a lot..if that makes absolutely any sense. The only thing that keeps me sane is writing..so everyday that's what I do..its therapeutic for me. Men will always roam this earth, so Im not in any rush to find "the one", If I did find him right now I'd ask him to give me 3 years, then come back...maybe I'll be ready then. As for right now.....Im fine ...just me and my furniture-free apartment!! *cheeeses*

BURNT OUT!

2007-09-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

Man ole man...TIRED does not even come close to describing how I been feeling these past few days. I feel like a strung out coke whore who's been on a 12 day binge. No seriously...my body is tired...exhausted..worn-out! Greyish bags are forming underneath each eye and I'm lookin a tad bit haggard. This non-stop partying aint for me, and frankly I give kudos to lindsay lohan , paris hilton and all them paparazzi whores...cus I couldn't do it...even with heavy heavy drugs I dont think I can do it. In the past 72 hrs...I have gotten (no exaggeration) 4 hours of sleep. Thats horrible..At this point Im a walking zombie...Im not fully functioning...my brain takes a few minutes to process minor things..and I found myself dozing off in the elevator on my way to work. Alll this because I dont know how to jus say "NO" to partying and "NO" to friends. Whats funny is those same friends have no problem telling me no when they have to work the next morning, and this is nobodys fault but my own. I gotta really start lookin out for me...I only have one body in this lifetime..so I better stop treatin it like a second rate citizen.

As of right now Im officially DONE with partying...my best friends bday is coming up, and after that, Im hibernating hopefully for the rest of the year. I want a nice relaxing vacation by myself. Some people cant handle being alone, I never understood that, I cherish my alone time. I need to buckle down and start living for ME and ME only. People always say "speak your mind" but it seems like when I do, feelings get hurt or Im looked at as "harsh".."cruel" and "immature"..I dont care anymore..this is ME this is how I feel..I can't apologize for what comes outta my mouth. My intentions are never anything but good, and if your my friend then you should know this. Im always looked upon to be the bigger person..well fck that..sometimes I can't be the bigger person and I don't have to be!

Last night I was standing outside some club, minding my own business and every second like clockwork guys were in my face..I couldn't even tell you what they were saying. I have this attitude towards males right now..And Its in my best interest to distant myself from them until I let go of the resentment Im feeling. Some guy who I was crushin HARD called me out the blue. I wanted to tell him how bright red my checks were (and im a black girl), I wanted to let the inflection in my voice show, I wanted to tell him its ok for missing my party because your soo flyy, ..but something wouldn't let me. Something wouldn't even let me seem a little excited or enthused by his call. Then he invited me over..and lord knows I wanted to do a quick makeup check...dig for my most sexiest "im a classy whore" attire (lol)..but I couldn't...Its not in me to be disrespected..Its not in my nature to hop..skip and jump jus cus some random ass "swear he's the shit" calls and wants to chill. You should be honored that I even answered your call...I'll be DAMNED! if I let you touch me..jus cus you feel like you want some company...NEGRO PLEAAASEEEEE!!!!!!

Everything and everybody just started to annoy me all at once. Its not hard to annoy me either..I have mood swings outta this world. I started to feel overwhelmed with my co-workers, friends ..ect..So I took a walk and just prayed...I prayed for guidance..I prayed for strength, I prayed to learn, Im ready to follow..because obviously Im not doing so well on my own. I prayed for patience..I prayed for an open heart and mind...I realized the best advice I can ask for is through prayer..the best advice I can seek is my own...People don't know me like I know me..so how can they possibly give me good advice??......From now on..I'm on a mission...my drive is sooo strong right now...my motivation is at its peak and the inspiration is there waiting to be tapped into. So for right now..Its all about work..working to get where I need to be.

Self evaluation....partyyyy

2007-09-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

PAAARRRRTTTTYYY

Yup thats me in all my drunkin glory. Pink dress pimpin is what I like to call myself on that night. No lie I was on that absolute pretty much the entire night...funny thing is, I didn't feel tipsy really...I looked drunk as hell but I didnt have that drunk feeeeeling that I wanted. I invited about 50 ppl 25 girls, 25 guys....how many showed up? roughly 7. Since Im an attention whore to the heart, that really did something to me. Those ungrateful bastards!!.....I had the BEST time ever, but I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed and somewhat embarrassed. I promoted my ass off. It did open my eyes though...I see who's really for me and who could give two fucks about me. So 99% of those ppl who did not show up have not heard from me, and will not hear from me. Everybody n their momma had some sorry ass excuse..that humored me for a little bit...whole time im thinkin...is this bitch 4real?!....But whatever I was still the star of MY show. (atleast thats what Im telling myself).

Self evaluation is a bitch. I like to think Im perfect in every way...Im rich..fantastically fabulous and everybody wants me..those who dont are mentally challenged or jealous!..Thats just how my mind works. But watchin VH1's forbes top 100 list....My heart was demolished..these entertainers are making more than most ppl see in their entire lifetime..in one damn year?! The wheels in my corrupt mind started turning and every illegal occupation ran through my head...hmmmmm "bubble yum..would be a greeaaat stripper name"...but lets face it, Im a lil tooo lazy to ever strip, and Waaay too bougie so thats OUT!....Drugs?? picture me standin on somebody corner....not happenin!...Then I was forced to think of all the legal ways to make millions ...it took a while. Being a criminal would be much muccch easier *hmf*. So Im chillin from the party scene for a while...I need to set some plans into action
sheeeeeit
"whoever said progress was a slow process wasn't talkin bout meee"

THE DEVIL.......eats hamburgers!!!

2007-08-31T05:55:00.000-07:00

I've always been pretty comfortable for the most part about my weight, I mean I've been the same size since 8th grade...I really only work out when Im about to go on vacation or to some big event....how vain I KNOW!! anyway

ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALLL.....

My huge party is next weekend and I been desperately searchin for the perfect "I know you want it, I look better than you, put me to bed, freak em dress" And I prefer it to be pink!! So Im shoppin with my sis and I see this amazing dress in this little boutique....I try on 3 different dress.....wait rewind..there are NOO sizes on the dresses..I ask the little asian man at the counter and he says "one size fit all". Im thinkin "huh" one size fits all in what country?? surely not this one...so im not worried I go in and ........

NONE OF THE DRESSES ZIP UP...WTFFFFF???? If that wasnt a blow to my enormous ego then I dont know what is. Of course I played it off like it didn't bother me....but in my head im like "what the hell have u been eating you fat ass, you cant even fit into 3 different dresses"..If that wasnt enough to totally crush my ego..I go to yet another store where one size does NOT fit all..and guess what...bitch wouldn't zip up either!!.....ARRRRGGGH im screaming by this time ..and cursing every single crumb I have ever eatin in my entire existence! Thennnn....I see some girl I dont like..and shes tiny,,I knowww she was thinkin "fat bitch" !!....So I vow not to EAT ever again in life..ok thats extreme but can you blame me...YOU try not being able to fit 3 different dresses...so then I went to a store that I KNEW had every size..and of course my big fat self fits into this drape of a dress perfectly. And I'm breaking out stressing over this damn party......Im a walking disaster right now..if you see somebody hiding in the corner binging on dunkin donuts..ice cream and cookies with huuuge dark sunglasses on and wet wipes....dont be alarmed. A prayer

lord....Please make me strong enough to over come the "fast food devil", If ever I indulge in chocolate cake please strike me with lightening.....for every pound I gain please let a car hit me in the legs so that I am unable to walk to dunkin donuts for my iced coffee..xtra sugar.

AMEN!!!!!!

D.A.H (dumb ass hoes)

2007-08-26T08:12:00.001-07:00

EDIT--And another thing....when did H&M get soo flyyy..I mean I love their clothes, but they fell off for a minute...omg omg I nearly peeed in my pants when I witnessed the leather bomber jackets..or the perfect organic cotton blend sweaters..that would be paired perfectly with a set of their off-silver pearls *and the angels sang* ps....guys who work at H&M ARE HOTT!!!!!!!!! yum yum...sorry back to the program. --EDIT

oK so Im trying this new thing where I dont curse......"A LOT" and its hard as hell. Its funny when you reach a certain point in your life...a certain state of mind I mean. Where you can't tolerate the bullshit no more (oops there I go again). Fck it...Im fed up, I will never ever take another "duck" under my wing. And by that I mean, "Toe up ..non-matching..no confidence..wannabe cool..dollar menu..color blind.swagger jackin..ass hoe!" I wish people would realize that its much much easier to be themselves versus someone else. I peeped that waay back in high school, Yesss Im beyond fabulous, I have the gift of gab, my talents surpass the norm...but YOU are equally as gifted in your own way..I mean isn't everybody (ok well maybe not equally as...). I invite you places...tryna upgrade and show you a good time and you basically spit in my face...must not know...My middle name is "PEACE". If I write you off....Its like you never existed...and....another one bites the dust!!! <-------sticks tongue out..see pic .

Weekend

Saturday night I went to this king magazine party..not really my scene..I don't do the shoot em up style clubs. Hole in the wall joints never really were my thing. Since my so-called friend wanted to go..I made it work. Luckily i had my "real" friends there to keep me sane. I'm sooo tired of the club scene. I became a home body, cus the whole night I was wondering what was on t.v and not really paying anybody up in there any mind at all. Then we went somewhere else..seen some cuties ..but I just really wasn't interested at all..I couldn't wait to get the hell home. I'm swearing off men for at least 6 months...My ex text me all liquored up ..talkin bout "you need to come down here, you know Im a freak when I drink" Umm..homie u need to step OFF...on sum real! Then the mothafcka says "You can take my car to work"...yess yess very tempting but...NO! Im standing my ground..absolutely nooo MEN , Theres some things I gotta do..I gotta figure ME out ..buy furniture..finish my book, start my songwriting again , save and invest, and wont none of that be gettin done if I dont have my focus. I can no longer be bought with burger king fries, a bottle of parrot bay rum and caviar dreams "hmf"..I can't lie though Im thinkin I need to delete every males number out my phone...temptation is a BITCH..and pleaaase dont be FINE ...cus your number in my phone mixed with 2am desperation and club sweat equals a deadly concoction.

THE NEW AMERICAN IDOL

I dont care what nobody says..Karrine steffans aka SUPERHEAD..should be officially crowned the NEW american idol. I mean come on..this woman done slept with everyyyyy mofo in the industry...Im sure she has created numerous unheard of STDS all by herself..But no seriously I really respect her and somewhat admire her hustle (not the whole crack whore hustle) but the fact that she turned that into something more..this woman is now an author in her own right...WTF?? and if you visit her site (www.karrine.com) you'll see shes very intelligent. Not to mention her hair is flyy ...I dunno there's just something very "gutter-fabulous" about her....hate it or love it. Meanwhile after a night of clubbin (i haate that word)...Im stuck at work, last nights makeup..headache and a non-matching attire....IT IS WHAT IT IS

After the storm.....

2007-08-19T13:14:00.000-07:00

They say after every storm..comes a rainbow...a light at the end of the tunnel. But what they dont say is after a storm comes a rainbow for 5seconds then thunder...then lightening..then more rain..and eventualllyyyy..THE SUN. Im not one to complain, infact I hate complaining because I always feel like my situation could be a whole hell of a lot worse, I hear other ppl's stories and they make me seem lucky. Right now , I am however feeling mentally and physically exhausted! just tired. My body literally aches and my head seems to never stop pounding. I dont have the energy to give negative ppl and things time and attention. Im now only interested in loving those who I KNOW love me back...Im liking those who like me, Im lookin out for those who look out for me and Im entertaining those who derserve my company. Sometimes I get soo caught up in..those who mean me no good that I ignore/forget about those who mean the world to me and I tend to neglect the ones I love most. Im getting much much better at it.

Its funny when guys see that your tired of the b.s and you've officially took "it" for what it was and moved on..they wanna devote too much attention to you and tryin to see what your up to and who ur talkin to. Human nature I guess...as for right now I cant say that im "feelin" anybody like that...I love my ex...I like certain ppl and I crush certain ppl..I have text buddies but thats as far as it goes right now. Most of the guys I use for moral support live in different cities/states and I kinda like it that way. I know my worth and im "the shit" sucks for whoever doesnt feel the same.

Friends....
I always have problems with friends..I know its not just me either. I consider myself a go-getter..a nice person (90% of the time ) If your my friend and your sincere then theres nothing I wont do for you. If I have connects..then YOU have connects. If Im goin on vacation, im finding a way for you to go..cus your my friend. Then jealousy rears its ugly head...And theres only soo much I can take..Im the most forgiving person, but when I truly see your real intentions..then fck it ! its a wrap and your looked at as an object from now on. If I still fck with you like that its cus u got somethin I need right now and when I use that up..then your tossed out like the trash you are...harsh?? no its jus how i roll.

To the ones I love and adore which consists of probably 4 or 5 ppl..know what I LOVE YOU..i know im moody but your in my head and heart more than you probably know. And I want nothing but the best for you : )

Creativity

2007-08-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

My creative streak has come back..thank god I was startin to think I lost it!!!...I been writing songs like crazy..meeting with some producers this week and trying my hardest to finish my book....Im a perfectionist so its never an easy task...Also working on my business plan for a clothing line by me and my fabulous sis (more details on that later ) other than that..all is definately well...could not be happier. Though I may be taking a vacation soon...possibly by myself or maybe with someone else *wink*

feelin myself

2007-07-24T15:24:00.000-07:00

whats the deal??
Things over this way are going smoothly for once. I moved into my own apt. And I could not be happier. I know its not a big deal to some..but to me its everything and its a huuuge deal, Im 22 with a good job and now my own apt, if you knew where I came from then you would understand my being soo elated about this. Im starting to understand guys more than I did last year.
Matter fact lets rewind to last year. I was such a complicated wreck last yr at this time. I was miserable, Had jus lost my job, could not get back into school due to financial aid and guys completely suucked..mainly cus I didn't understand the game and how it was played (and yes it is a game). My ex broke up with me and for some reason after 3 yrs , not to mention I was in the process of being evicted.

::fast forward::
I just moved into a fabulous apt of my own..Sooo completely over the EX !! fantastic Friends and Im back on my grind. working on finishing up my book about my life..(ya gotta read it to really get it). I feel like theres no curve balls I cant handle, I've been through just about everything you can go through and I've gotten through it. I can honestly say through every trial I have gotten that much stronger. I feel like Im un-breakable at this point..I cannot be stopped...A force to be....ok u get the point..Im feelin myself a lil bit right now lol.

Now about understanding guys...im realizing u have to play their game a lil bit at first , whoever says dating doesnt require game-playing is a damn liar, thats all it is till you say "I DO"...Im figuring out jus how much game playing it takes....stay tuned

2007-07-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel completely torn between following my heart..my love..my passion!! . verse..Going to school, getting a degree and pretty much accepting the corporate america life that everyone seems to be content with. Im pretty much in corporate america now and lemme tell you..shit aint poppin!..I feel unnapreciated, under-paid and TIRED!! all the goddamn time. I need to jus pitch a tent up in there...shit Im alwaaays there. If I were to follow my heart..ditch school...finish my book , look for a publisher while pursuing my love for singing..sure I would catch mad flack from everyone (I should have a backup plan) ect...But I would be elated to be atleast pursuing what I love...what do you do?..Im the type who doesnt worry about failure I usually jus go for it. But I am getting older and maaaybe I should consider a backup plan..I mean damn I did get a scholarship..should I really let that go to waste? Im too creative for corporate america..they can't handle all of dis hurr..lol but really, Im constantly comming up with new ideas, new ventures..it never stops.

Love--
I think I may have actually given up all type of hope on the whole love thing. SHit is it really that important anyway?..(dont answer that) Im tired of dating, im tired of waiting, tired of the disrespect. And I'll be damned if I settle...fck that bullshit!! If your not EVERYTHING I want then...see ya bye! I have every right to want what I want.Then theres the "ex factor" I have two ex boyfriends who both broke up with me. Yes we're still cool, but once you cut me off..and I finally get over you...I can't gain those feelings back..thats just me..Blame it on my surroundings..whatever..thats just how it is. Although I do have someone in mind.....we'll see where it goes

....Till then MONEY IS MY BITCH..and thats all I will be concerned about
till next time
Miss 215