Saturday, September 22, 2007


Man ole man...TIRED does not even come close to describing how I been feeling these past few days. I feel like a strung out coke whore who's been on a 12 day binge. No body is tired...exhausted..worn-out! Greyish bags are forming underneath each eye and I'm lookin a tad bit haggard. This non-stop partying aint for me, and frankly I give kudos to lindsay lohan , paris hilton and all them paparazzi whores...cus I couldn't do it...even with heavy heavy drugs I dont think I can do it. In the past 72 hrs...I have gotten (no exaggeration) 4 hours of sleep. Thats horrible..At this point Im a walking zombie...Im not fully brain takes a few minutes to process minor things..and I found myself dozing off in the elevator on my way to work. Alll this because I dont know how to jus say "NO" to partying and "NO" to friends. Whats funny is those same friends have no problem telling me no when they have to work the next morning, and this is nobodys fault but my own. I gotta really start lookin out for me...I only have one body in this I better stop treatin it like a second rate citizen.

As of right now Im officially DONE with best friends bday is coming up, and after that, Im hibernating hopefully for the rest of the year. I want a nice relaxing vacation by myself. Some people cant handle being alone, I never understood that, I cherish my alone time. I need to buckle down and start living for ME and ME only. People always say "speak your mind" but it seems like when I do, feelings get hurt or Im looked at as "harsh".."cruel" and "immature"..I dont care anymore..this is ME this is how I feel..I can't apologize for what comes outta my mouth. My intentions are never anything but good, and if your my friend then you should know this. Im always looked upon to be the bigger person..well fck that..sometimes I can't be the bigger person and I don't have to be!

Last night I was standing outside some club, minding my own business and every second like clockwork guys were in my face..I couldn't even tell you what they were saying. I have this attitude towards males right now..And Its in my best interest to distant myself from them until I let go of the resentment Im feeling. Some guy who I was crushin HARD called me out the blue. I wanted to tell him how bright red my checks were (and im a black girl), I wanted to let the inflection in my voice show, I wanted to tell him its ok for missing my party because your soo flyy, ..but something wouldn't let me. Something wouldn't even let me seem a little excited or enthused by his call. Then he invited me over..and lord knows I wanted to do a quick makeup check...dig for my most sexiest "im a classy whore" attire (lol)..but I couldn't...Its not in me to be disrespected..Its not in my nature to hop..skip and jump jus cus some random ass "swear he's the shit" calls and wants to chill. You should be honored that I even answered your call...I'll be DAMNED! if I let you touch me..jus cus you feel like you want some company...NEGRO PLEAAASEEEEE!!!!!!

Everything and everybody just started to annoy me all at once. Its not hard to annoy me either..I have mood swings outta this world. I started to feel overwhelmed with my co-workers, friends ..ect..So I took a walk and just prayed...I prayed for guidance..I prayed for strength, I prayed to learn, Im ready to follow..because obviously Im not doing so well on my own. I prayed for patience..I prayed for an open heart and mind...I realized the best advice I can ask for is through prayer..the best advice I can seek is my own...People don't know me like I know how can they possibly give me good advice??......From now on..I'm on a drive is sooo strong right motivation is at its peak and the inspiration is there waiting to be tapped into. So for right now..Its all about work..working to get where I need to be.