Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Early AM thoughts....

As I sit here at 2:59am...on a clothes bin...(which isn't too sturdy)..starring out all 9 undressed windows in my sun room..I'm lost. I look to my left and see shiny hardwood floors, no furniture in sight..shit you wouldn't know anybody lived here if it weren't for folded up air mattresses (yea I broke them all) and suitcases with my millions of clothes. As I sit here..typing this with no computer chair...I am humbled!!...I dont have much..but what I do have It's MINE!...everything surrounding me right now is MINE...everything bought with my hard earned pennies. Sometimes I forget to pat myself on the back...through blood sweat and tears Im still here, Im still breathing, still determined and more focused than I have ever been in my entire life. Everyone has their own personal struggle, but when you can have soo little and it means sooo much to you, thats when you know your a survivor.

I can't sleep, and haven't been able too for the past 4 years of my life. Soo many people ask me about my dreams and goals, I hesitate not too sound too silly or child-like , usually I mumble in a shy voice "I wanna sing"..."I wanna write"...usually people give me that "oh thats really nice" line, just to be nice I presume. What they don't know is...I neeeed to sing..I neeed to write. I wiiish I could wake up one morning and this desire is gone, And Im all of a sudden awoke from this silly dream...ready and willing to go to school get my degree and an "ok" job in the corporate world..but it hasn't happened yet. Its hard not losing sight of your "dream"..especially when everyone around you has taken the straight and narrow path..*siggh*...I do feel accomplished though...Went to the vocal coach today and it felt soo good. I realized that everyday I have to wake up and do something that brings me closer to my dreams...rather its reading up on publishing at the bookstore...practicing...writing...annnything. It keeps me motivated..for everyday that's like Im dead.

Im happy that Im through with that "LOVE" phase of my life or even that "LIKE" stage. Im content with just me...Im able to concentrate with no distractions. I been talkin to myself a lot lately (not like that lol)..and I've also been listening to myself a lot..if that makes absolutely any sense. The only thing that keeps me sane is everyday that's what I do..its therapeutic for me. Men will always roam this earth, so Im not in any rush to find "the one", If I did find him right now I'd ask him to give me 3 years, then come back...maybe I'll be ready then. As for right now.....Im fine ...just me and my furniture-free apartment!! *cheeeses*