Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Early AM thoughts....

As I sit here at 2:59am...on a clothes bin...(which isn't too sturdy)..starring out all 9 undressed windows in my sun room..I'm lost. I look to my left and see shiny hardwood floors, no furniture in sight..shit you wouldn't know anybody lived here if it weren't for folded up air mattresses (yea I broke them all) and suitcases with my millions of clothes. As I sit here..typing this with no computer chair...I am humbled!!...I dont have much..but what I do have It's MINE!...everything surrounding me right now is MINE...everything bought with my hard earned pennies. Sometimes I forget to pat myself on the back...through blood sweat and tears Im still here, Im still breathing, still determined and more focused than I have ever been in my entire life. Everyone has their own personal struggle, but when you can have soo little and it means sooo much to you, thats when you know your a survivor.

I can't sleep, and haven't been able too for the past 4 years of my life. Soo many people ask me about my dreams and goals, I hesitate not too sound too silly or child-like , usually I mumble in a shy voice "I wanna sing"..."I wanna write"...usually people give me that "oh thats really nice" line, just to be nice I presume. What they don't know is...I neeeed to sing..I neeed to write. I wiiish I could wake up one morning and this desire is gone, And Im all of a sudden awoke from this silly dream...ready and willing to go to school get my degree and an "ok" job in the corporate world..but it hasn't happened yet. Its hard not losing sight of your "dream"..especially when everyone around you has taken the straight and narrow path..*siggh*...I do feel accomplished though...Went to the vocal coach today and it felt soo good. I realized that everyday I have to wake up and do something that brings me closer to my dreams...rather its reading up on publishing at the bookstore...practicing...writing...annnything. It keeps me motivated..for everyday that's like Im dead.

Im happy that Im through with that "LOVE" phase of my life or even that "LIKE" stage. Im content with just me...Im able to concentrate with no distractions. I been talkin to myself a lot lately (not like that lol)..and I've also been listening to myself a lot..if that makes absolutely any sense. The only thing that keeps me sane is everyday that's what I do..its therapeutic for me. Men will always roam this earth, so Im not in any rush to find "the one", If I did find him right now I'd ask him to give me 3 years, then come back...maybe I'll be ready then. As for right now.....Im fine ...just me and my furniture-free apartment!! *cheeeses*

Saturday, September 22, 2007


Man ole man...TIRED does not even come close to describing how I been feeling these past few days. I feel like a strung out coke whore who's been on a 12 day binge. No body is tired...exhausted..worn-out! Greyish bags are forming underneath each eye and I'm lookin a tad bit haggard. This non-stop partying aint for me, and frankly I give kudos to lindsay lohan , paris hilton and all them paparazzi whores...cus I couldn't do it...even with heavy heavy drugs I dont think I can do it. In the past 72 hrs...I have gotten (no exaggeration) 4 hours of sleep. Thats horrible..At this point Im a walking zombie...Im not fully brain takes a few minutes to process minor things..and I found myself dozing off in the elevator on my way to work. Alll this because I dont know how to jus say "NO" to partying and "NO" to friends. Whats funny is those same friends have no problem telling me no when they have to work the next morning, and this is nobodys fault but my own. I gotta really start lookin out for me...I only have one body in this I better stop treatin it like a second rate citizen.

As of right now Im officially DONE with best friends bday is coming up, and after that, Im hibernating hopefully for the rest of the year. I want a nice relaxing vacation by myself. Some people cant handle being alone, I never understood that, I cherish my alone time. I need to buckle down and start living for ME and ME only. People always say "speak your mind" but it seems like when I do, feelings get hurt or Im looked at as "harsh".."cruel" and "immature"..I dont care anymore..this is ME this is how I feel..I can't apologize for what comes outta my mouth. My intentions are never anything but good, and if your my friend then you should know this. Im always looked upon to be the bigger person..well fck that..sometimes I can't be the bigger person and I don't have to be!

Last night I was standing outside some club, minding my own business and every second like clockwork guys were in my face..I couldn't even tell you what they were saying. I have this attitude towards males right now..And Its in my best interest to distant myself from them until I let go of the resentment Im feeling. Some guy who I was crushin HARD called me out the blue. I wanted to tell him how bright red my checks were (and im a black girl), I wanted to let the inflection in my voice show, I wanted to tell him its ok for missing my party because your soo flyy, ..but something wouldn't let me. Something wouldn't even let me seem a little excited or enthused by his call. Then he invited me over..and lord knows I wanted to do a quick makeup check...dig for my most sexiest "im a classy whore" attire (lol)..but I couldn't...Its not in me to be disrespected..Its not in my nature to hop..skip and jump jus cus some random ass "swear he's the shit" calls and wants to chill. You should be honored that I even answered your call...I'll be DAMNED! if I let you touch me..jus cus you feel like you want some company...NEGRO PLEAAASEEEEE!!!!!!

Everything and everybody just started to annoy me all at once. Its not hard to annoy me either..I have mood swings outta this world. I started to feel overwhelmed with my co-workers, friends ..ect..So I took a walk and just prayed...I prayed for guidance..I prayed for strength, I prayed to learn, Im ready to follow..because obviously Im not doing so well on my own. I prayed for patience..I prayed for an open heart and mind...I realized the best advice I can ask for is through prayer..the best advice I can seek is my own...People don't know me like I know how can they possibly give me good advice??......From now on..I'm on a drive is sooo strong right motivation is at its peak and the inspiration is there waiting to be tapped into. So for right now..Its all about work..working to get where I need to be.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Self evaluation....partyyyy


Yup thats me in all my drunkin glory. Pink dress pimpin is what I like to call myself on that night. No lie I was on that absolute pretty much the entire night...funny thing is, I didn't feel tipsy really...I looked drunk as hell but I didnt have that drunk feeeeeling that I wanted. I invited about 50 ppl 25 girls, 25 many showed up? roughly 7. Since Im an attention whore to the heart, that really did something to me. Those ungrateful bastards!!.....I had the BEST time ever, but I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed and somewhat embarrassed. I promoted my ass off. It did open my eyes though...I see who's really for me and who could give two fucks about me. So 99% of those ppl who did not show up have not heard from me, and will not hear from me. Everybody n their momma had some sorry ass excuse..that humored me for a little bit...whole time im this bitch 4real?!....But whatever I was still the star of MY show. (atleast thats what Im telling myself).

Self evaluation is a bitch. I like to think Im perfect in every way...Im rich..fantastically fabulous and everybody wants me..those who dont are mentally challenged or jealous!..Thats just how my mind works. But watchin VH1's forbes top 100 list....My heart was demolished..these entertainers are making more than most ppl see in their entire one damn year?! The wheels in my corrupt mind started turning and every illegal occupation ran through my head...hmmmmm "bubble yum..would be a greeaaat stripper name"...but lets face it, Im a lil tooo lazy to ever strip, and Waaay too bougie so thats OUT!....Drugs?? picture me standin on somebody corner....not happenin!...Then I was forced to think of all the legal ways to make millions took a while. Being a criminal would be much muccch easier *hmf*. So Im chillin from the party scene for a while...I need to set some plans into action
"whoever said progress was a slow process wasn't talkin bout meee"